Crumbled. Broken Apart. Now Silence…Again.

Do you know what it’s like to break a man? To watch through his eyes as his soul rips apart? Do you know what it’s like to speak words that result in the nearly audible sound of the breaking of his heart? To practically be able to reach out and touch a pain that’s so intense it’s nearly palpable? Do you know what it feels like to make a strong man fall to his knees because he cannot bear the hurt you’ve inflicted? To watch him drown in his own tears as he clings desperately to what was his just moments before?

That is what I did to you. Not out of revenge or hatred or ignorance, but for reasons that were not completely grasped, even by me. Reasons that are just as selfish and hateful and shallow and ugly as they are true and inescapable.

And now I sit here in the perpetual silence, remembering every word, every pause, every tear, every movement…every question. You told me you loved me. You said it as though it was a secret, just revealed. But I knew. I’ve always known. You told me you would love me, always. And instead of happiness, those words brought pain and guilt and sadness.

Because the truth appears to me immoveable, unable to be overcome. And this truth that has become so important to me, inscribed in my soul and on my body, is what caused your pain. And the ugliest, most hurtful thing is that it was this same truth that I could not share with you. My greatest failure. One that I will carry with me for a long time to come.

I never said the words out loud, mostly because I was afraid. I realize its too late now, and that those words would only cause you to feel more pain and confusion, but I hope you knew somehow, someway…that I love you. I said those words to you in my head so often… every time we had a moment and you looked into my eyes. Every time I felt understood by you. Every time you kissed me with that intensity and desire that I already miss.

I am so deeply sorry for all the pain I’ve caused… for all the pain that you will continue to endure. I will pray, desperately, for you. For your soul to heal and your pain to lessen. For your tears to stop. For you to be able to sleep at night. That one day I will not be your first or last thought. That the pain I’ve caused will not leave lasting scars. For the holes in your heart and in your wall to be patched up. That the sadness in that space be replaced with happy memories. That you heal… from all the hurt and all the pain that you don’t deserve.

And, that in the end, you find the love that you thought I was.