So you say I have a problem...

Life is so difficult!!!

Sometimes I wonder if life might be too much to handle.
I look around at the people I love and it makes me wonder... is everyone where they want to be in life? Does it even matter? Things just don’t seem to go the way you want them to, you have all these concepts about life, your job, marriage, family, etc, and what you want just doesn’t seem to happen no matter how hard you try. One day you wake up and realize that nothing.....NOTHING is going the way you want it to. Just like that. Nice, eh?

What about me? Am I where I want to be right now? Should life be so hard? Should I allow all this repression to go on? So you think I have a problem? So the fuck what? How is it any of your business anyway? Is it your job to intimidate? To torture? To inflict guilt and frustration? If so my brother, a job well done.

One so dear to my heart must sacrifice quite a bit of happiness because she fell in love.
Yet another person so dear lives through that almost daily.
And all for the companionship of a spouse.
Is it worth it?

Where am I in all of this? I feel as though I'm missing it all. I feel as though when I finally get a chance to live my life, it will be too late. Ties have already been broken, with the promise of more to come. I'm not involved...that hurts so much. I want to be there, I want to help, and I want to maintain relationships I once had. I'm not even asking to cultivate new ones, am I really so bad?

Sometimes I look around and wonder if why I'm here. Is it my parents? You say you support me now, but would you support me if you didn't agree with what I was doing? What’s more important to you? My mental health or the expectations you set for me whence I was in the womb?

Is life so dear? Is peace so sweet? To be purchased at the price of chains and slavery?

What do I know? I know I love the Lord, that’s what I know. I know I don't regret a single day so far, and so I remain. But what, oh what shall I do when times get harder? I find I cannot "lay low", I always seem to get myself in some kind of trouble. I may not agree with why I'm in that trouble, but if you wanna play the game you have to follow the rules right? Is that what I'm doing?

So you say I have a problem with authority. So you say I have a problem with rules. Maybe I do. What are you gonna do about it? You can yell at me, you can punish me, but I answer to only one person, thank you very much. And He understands my heart. This is who I am, this is how I live. Stop trying to change me! It's not working. But it frustrates the hell outta me.